


RAITO RECEIVES NOTE OF LOVE AND SEXUAL SUGGESTION

by lacerations



Category: Death Note
Genre: Everyone Is Gay, Other, Pudding, power yoga, this is so stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 01:03:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1623377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacerations/pseuds/lacerations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone leaves an anonymous note of love and sexual suggestion on Raito's desk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	RAITO RECEIVES NOTE OF LOVE AND SEXUAL SUGGESTION

"WHO THE FUCK LEFT ME THIS NOTE?" screamed Raito at the note.  
"What does the note say? Is it a love letter?" said Ming, Raito's friend. Ming was tired. He hoped Raito would lose his voice soon; it was so shrill and awful.  
"I wouldn't call it a love letter, exactly, no," he said slowly, furiously. "More of an explicit gay sexual harassment letter." Conservative and asexual, Raito was highly offended by phrases like 'dingleberries dangling' and 'man sandwich' and 'gentleman sausage.'  
"Whaaaaat?" said Ming, eyes widening. "Can I see it?"  
"NO." Ming snatched it and caught a couple of words before Raito aggressively ripped it out of his hands. "Huh…" Ming murmured. "Nice."  
"SURVEY EVERYONE," Raito ordered, which seemed like a strange thing to order, but who knows what goes on in that guy's head? "Interview… everyone. I need to narrow it down."  
"Survey everyone on what?"  
"On… on their sexuality. Just so I can rule out, you know, L and... people."  
That didn't make a lot of sense to Ming. First of all, L was the gayest person he'd ever met. He'd had actually heard L use the phrase "gentleman sausage" more than once. Second of all, whoever had left the note would realise exactly why Ming was asking them if they were interested in men, and would say no. And then Raito would probably have a tantrum, and Ming would have to deal with him and force-feed him warm milk pudding until he calmed down.  
"That doesn't make any sense, Raito."  
"Do you want me to keep teaching you power yoga for free or not." 

So Ming pretended to be doing research for his psychology class, a foolproof excuse obviously, and surveyed everyone.

\----

Chief:  
"Are you heterosexual?"  
"I have a wife! And two beautiful children!"  
"So, yes?"  
"Well. Well… Well, well."  
"?"  
"No comment." 

Mogi:  
"Sexual preference?"  
"To be honest I'm still kind of unsure…"  
"Unsure?"  
"I struggle… with my sexuality," Mogi said in his deep Mogi voice, before uncharacteristically biting his lip.  
"Oh."  
"Since I was a kid, I mean, one time I liked a boy called Horace and people found out and. It was terrible. My mother even kicked me out for a while."   
'What kind of a name is Horace?' thought Ming. Must've been some white boy.   
"Mogi-san, you don't have to answer the question if you don't want to."   
"Is it important?"   
Ming wanted to say, "not at all, just light being a selfish little pringledick."   
"I can just put 'unsure' if you want," he said instead.   
"Good." 

L:  
"Orientation?"  
"Asian," said L casually, biting his thumb. He was multitasking - biting his thumb, drawing a naked man, checking surveillance footage and taking Ming's so-called survey.  
"As in sexual orientation."  
"Ah, yes. Asian."  
"I don't think you understand the question." 'The world's best detective is this racist noodle man with communication problems?' thought Ming, disappointed in humanity for the third time that day.  
"I tend to be attracted to mainly... I guess there's just..."  
"..."  
"I like Japanese… people…" L whispered.  
"I see."  
"Raito. Mmm. I like Yagami Raito." L suddenly glanced at the banana on his desk for no apparent reason.  
"So, homosexual?"  
"I wouldn't say that."  
"No?"  
"No. Raitosexual." 

Matsuda:  
"Sexuality?"  
"What?" Matsuda's eyes widened. 'Did Light's friend just call me sexy?'  
"Sexual orientation?"  
"Huh?"  
"Who you LIKE, in a sexual way? Or romantic way even?" Ming clarified.  
"Oh! Raito-kun."  
"…"  
"Is that the wrong answer?"  
"Well, no… should I put Raitosexual then?" Ming asked, smiling warmly at Matsuda.  
"Yeah!" 

Near:  
"Orientation?"  
"My orientation is excellent. I'm a human compass."  
"No, just... are you gay or not."  
"Oh. Yes. Of course." 

Mello:  
"Sexuality?" Ming asked Mello. He wasn't sure what Mello was doing in the building, other than glaring at Near and picking bits of lint off his undershirt, but he thought he may as well ask him the questions.  
"What kind of a question is that? I'm actually late for something." *Mello leaves*

Matt:  
"Orientation?"  
"Eh?" Matt looked up from his PSP.   
"Where's Mello?" he said.  
"I... dont know... What's your sexual orientation, if you don't mind me asking?"  
"Bi."  
"Bisexual?"  
"No, BYE." *Matt leaves* 

\----

Ming knocked on Raito's door nervously.  
"Fuck off, I'm meditating," Raito called out.  
"It's me."  
"Oh, it's you." Raito opened the door for Ming. "So? How'd the survey go?"  
"Well the only one we can really rule out is…" he glanced at the sheet of paper. "Wait, no, we can't rule anyone out."  
"EVERYONE IS GAY?"  
"Oh. Not exactly, no. You know, sexuality isn't binary."   
Raito looked blankly at Ming. ,br/> "Look," said the non-yagami, "here are the results."  
Raito's screaming could be heard on Pluto.  
END. 

Epilogue:  
The little Pluto alien called Booble blocked its ears for the four minutes that Raito screamed.  
Booble missed a phone call from his girlfriend, and was dumped the next day.

\----

The Note:  
*ends of note stuck together with spit of sender*  
*love heart sticker*  
To my prince (Yagami Raito),  
When can our love be consummated? I know you lust for me too, I see it in your eyes when you glance at me from across the room and I wonder do your dingleberries dangle? I'll fondle them as they dangle and rub cranberry sauce into them with my finger if only you'd letme. In a man sandwich, I'd be both pieces of bread, and you'd be the meat in the middle. Raito - I yearn to tonguefully enlarge the raging gentlemen sausage between your sexy asian legs (Raito, why do you have light brown hair? Aren't you Japanese?) Stop playing with yourself in the shower and shoving bananas up your ass, I'm here whenever you want me.  
Forever yours  
Anonymous


End file.
